Story 10

A student who had experienced depression before recognised the warning signs again at the start of her second year. The depression spiral led to an overdose and further serious suicide plans before CBT started turning things around...

Depression back again

Having experienced depression before, I recognised the signs that it was back just before I started back at university for my second year. I started gradually noticing the lack of motivation, the feelings of emptiness and the wanting to sleep all the time. Then it hit me full on at the start of term. I shut myself away in my room, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I couldn't concentrate on lectures... It was awful.

Went for help

It was getting pretty unbearable so I went to see my GP at the students' health service who was very sympathetic. She gave me my options and I made an appointment to go back in a few days. I decided to try antidepressants, as they had worked for me before, and counselling. Term went on and I struggled on. Initially, counselling helped to give me an insight into my problems but then I reached a dead end as I realised that it wasn't helping me to help myself out of the depression. My antidepressant dose was put up as they weren't having an effect.

Overdose

Then things got really bad and I couldn't face any more so took an overdose of sleeping tablets. Quite soon after I panicked and called my boyfriend who took me to A&E. They kept me in overnight and the only damage the tablets did to me was make me sleepy for a few days! (Although when I first went into A&E they were giving me auditory hallucinations and severely affected my short term memory so that I struggled to finish sentences which was very scary.) I saw a liaison psychiatrist at the hospital but that was the end of it.

Suspending degree

I still felt pretty miserable and as the term went on my GP referred me to a psychiatrist. I also switched antidepressants. After the Christmas holidays I initially had a good period which was short lived as soon after I crashed and took another overdose. Things were just too much so I decided to suspend my degree and concentrate on getting better. I started having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) privately and stopped counselling.

Rock bottom

CBT seemed promising but just as I was increasing the dose on my medication I crashed again to absolutely rock bottom. I started making very concrete plans to kill myself. Very very fortunately, something said by my therapist made a very small part of me doubt myself and get help. I spent the next few days seeing someone from the crisis team every day. The concrete plans didn't go away so I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for five nights.

Turning point

This helped put everything back into perspective for me and this was the turning point. I decided to make a huge effort to get better. And with a few bumps along the way, things have been getting better and better.

CBT saved my life

The most helpful thing for me was CBT. It saved my life I think. I was very fortunate that I was able to pay for private therapy as I would have had to wait for a while on the NHS. I really clicked with my therapist and the techniques used helped me a lot. I really liked that we were working as a team which was empowering to me. I liked the fact that I could help myself and I didn't have to completely rely on someone else.

Antidepressants also helpful

I would also say the antidepressants I am currently on helped. I think once the dose was right, they helped me to have a better functioning level even if they didn't stop the negative thoughts in my head.

Focusing outward and raising activity levels

The only thing I managed to keep going with all the way though the depression (pretty much) was volunteering once a week at a riding for the disabled centre. It gave my head a bit of time out from being obsessed with my illness and it was therapeutic to be around the horses. Through the outpatient psychiatric centre, I started going to a music group which was relaxing and again gave me time out to relax in a supportive environment. I also went to a badminton group which was also really good as it increased my confidence and the exercise was good for me.

Helping others

As things have got better bit by bit I have an enormous desire to help other people so have started doing things like writing this to show people that there is a way out of the hell of depression. I also hope to become mental health officer at uni when I go back so I can increase awareness of mental health and illness and hopefully help other people. If I can do that then it will definitely have been worth the long struggle!