What depression means to me
Feeling isolated, alone and different to everyone - thatīs what I mean by depressed, and the feeling that I couldnīt connect with people.
Anxiety
I become anxious when deadlines come up or things like that. I get anxious because I feel to do everything really well. I compare my grades to everyone elseīs. I canīt just relax and imagine itīll all be fine. I get stressed out and anxious and then in that situation I become quite paralysed.
Cut myself off
In that moment I get panicky and stressed. But as soon as something is over, I almost obliterate the memory of how stressful it really was. I never learn from things, because Iīd keep repeating the same patterns over and over.
Depression at uni
For my first degree, I found the whole university experience really horrible. I knew before I even started that it was the wrong course but I thought Iīd better give it a go because my parents were so in to it - they wanted me to be a doctor, but I wasnīt interested in it.
Missing lectures
I hated the course; hated the university and I started missing a lot of lectures and got behind a lot. The way the course was structured, you could be away for ages and no one would really notice. The more I missed, the less I wanted to go in.
Lack of social connection
I had a few friends on the course, people in my tutor group but I really wasnīt part of the whole social university scene. In hindsight I wasnīt trying to be a part of it; I was kind of removing myself from it.
Failure
That first year I failed my exams and so I had to re-take the year. I didnīt tell my parents because they would have had a fit about the whole thing. So I was kind of pretending to be in the second year, when really I was still in the first.
Dropped medicine
Then I did pass, but I ended up disliking the course even more. I decided to do biomedical sciences instead. I didnīt really want to do it but I didnīt want to leave with nothing - Iīd be a failure and it would be really embarrassing.
Others coping better
If I hadnīt been concerned about that, I would have just left and got onto a different course much earlier. A lot of people were talking about how much they hated their course which is how I felt about it, and yet theyīd go in and do well and pass everything and turn up every day which I found so difficult and couldnīt do at all.
Isolation
So I was afraid of throwing away what Iīd done already and I wasnīt mixing with many people at all so I didnīt have anyone to talk to in a way theyīd understand. I felt isolated and I felt I was the only one who was finding things difficult.
Keeping distance
A few of my friends knew I wasnīt that into the course, but I didnīt make a big deal of it because I didnīt want people to know too much about it. People have told me that I can seem quite distant and donīt give away too much of myself, which I donīt really mean to do but I guess I am a bit like that.
Avoidance and panic
I had this big pressure of this thing I had to do because if I didnīt, it would be a disaster. There was no one to talk about it with, so the way I dealt with it was by not going into classes and avoiding the whole situation. Iīd miss one week, then two and then three and then panic because Iīd be thinking `God, how am I going to catch up now?ī
Paralysis
I found it really difficult to do any work. Iīd say to myself `I have to do some work todayī and so Iīd go to the library and sit down and get my books out but I couldnīt bring myself to do anything; it was almost as if I was paralysed. I kept putting everything off.
Avoiding thinking about it
Even when exams came around, I knew I wasnīt going to do well, but I just thought Iīd do re-sits and work over the summer. I wasnīt thinking about it in a very in-depth way. I was avoiding thinking about how I felt. I knew I wasnīt feeling too good but I blamed it all on the university or the course.
Self-insulation
Instead of going into lectures, Iīd wander round town and go into stores by myself. I became quite insular. I had books and magazines that Iīd read and I made my own little dream-world in a way. I was removing myself from what was going on around me.
Tried to talk to tutor
I tried to talk to my tutor once or twice but I think he thought I was just being lazy and that I should go away and do some work. He didnīt grasp why I wanted to leave. Iīd done the first year again and passed and he couldnīt see why I wouldnīt want to continue.
Got through it
Looking back at that first degree now, I donīt feel it was such a mistake because it is useful to have a degree and I can always use it for something. I ended up passing with good grades - I got a 2:1 and so it wasnīt a total waste even though I didnīt like it at all.
Second degree
I took a year out to work and then started on my masters, which is arts based. Although it is more what I want to do, when I started I still felt like I was coming from a different background and different to the other students.
Ongoing detachment
I felt detached from what was happening around me. I was keeping myself to myself, doing my projects. I hated the group stuff. Although the people were quite nice, somehow I never felt comfortable having to schedule meetings with other people to do group work.
Better but still there
My depression now is not what it was before, but I still suffer feelings of low self esteem and I still find myself engaging in self-destructive behaviour sometimes, which I am trying to combat. I still find it difficult to relax, feeling as though I should be doing something all the time, and can still often feel isolated and alone.
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Pressure from an early age
I was told from an early age `Youīve got to become a doctor; you have to do this course; you have to have that,ī and I knew from an early age I didnīt want to do it. I went along with it because I didnīt know any different, but by A-levels I realised it wasnīt what I wanted to do, but I couldnīt think of a way to get out of it.
Conservative culture
I lived in a community where everyone was quite conservative and had the same ideas about what people should do. In my background - Indian - a lot of parents want their kids to become doctors.
High expectations
Because I was good at school, people expected more from me than my sister and brother, who werenīt so good at school. So there was the added pressure of being the only one who could become a doctor which is why my parents pushed me to do it.
Depression
The depression started at A-levels, when I was doing the science subjects I needed to get into medical school, but wasnīt interested in. I felt down about that.
Sense of isolation
There were a lot of kids from my background doing the same courses and not liking it, but they seemed to be dealing with it a lot better than I was. They were like a big gang, but I had only one or two friends, which was probably my own doing but I still felt quite isolated.
Abuse
I think that habit of keeping my distance, not wanting others to know my personal business, started from quite a young age. There was an incident of sexual abuse with a family friend, when I was very young, which went on for a couple of years. I think I became quite secretive about that.
Building a faįade
Years after, even when it was all over, I carried it on; kept detached from people. I could be superficially quite friendly and gregarious if I met people, but it was more of a front. Since then, I have always wanted to keep up the faįade of being happy and successful.
Emotional blackmail
My parents knew I wanted to do something in the arts, but they were really against it. They used all sorts of emotional blackmail like `You have to do it for us; you owe us; if you donīt do it, it will cause us embarrassment.ī Then when I did go to university it was `You canīt leave; if you leave what will we tell people; itīll reflect badly on us.ī
Trapped
I felt quite alone and it was depressing to study the courses; I felt I was missing out on what I really wanted to do. I felt like I couldnīt just leave because it would be such a big deal, everyone I knew would be talking about it, it would be embarrassing and my parents would have a fit. I felt very trapped and I think that is what made me feel very depressed at that time.
Not letting people close
At college I donīt think anyone thought I had a problem, because I was going out and I was mixing with people, but I never really felt close to anyone which is the flip side of it. Iīd never let anyone get that close to me.
Still affects me
I am presuming it is because of what happened to me when I was young. I convinced myself that Iīd dealt with it, but I know it affects me even now. I find it difficult to get close to people at all.
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GP
When I failed the first year, I was forced into going to the GP at the university medical centre because Iīd failed because I hadnīt turned up so much and they make you go in those circumstances. She was really nice and I told her briefly about what was going on. She advised me to go to the counselling service.
Unsure about counselling
I made an appointment but I played it all down and made it sound very insignificant. I kind of wanted to be there but I didnīt know what would happen or what weīd talk about and so I felt quite uncomfortable about it.
Couldnīt open up
She was nice, but I didnīt want to give the impression that I was having trouble, even though thatīs what she was there for. I was very concerned about what people might think of me at that time. I didnīt mention the abuse because Iīd convinced myself it had nothing to do with this, and didnīt want her to make a big deal of it.
A few good ideas
She did give me a few useful ideas - told me read some books from the library and at the time Iīd just started to keep a diary and she advised me to keep that up because she thought I might find it easier to do that than to talk to a counsellor. They were pretty busy at the time and there didnīt seem to be many free appointments and so I didnīt actually go back.
Opening up to friends
I had a few good friends who Iīd had for a few years, but I felt like I didnīt want to get into this kind of stuff with them. The counsellor told me it would be good to just mention my feelings about the course to them, and I did do that and they were surprised. I opened up a little bit and I think once Iīd done that a little bit, then it became easier to do more.
Telling my parents
When I told my parents I wasnīt doing medicine they reacted better than I thought they would, because at least I had a degree. I am sure theyīd still have preferred me to have done the medical degree, but my father didnīt really say anything and my mother was upset for a little while but then they got over it. All the things theyīd threatened - none of it materialised. They seem to accept it.
Making more effort
Once I left uni I met a whole new bunch of people and made more of an effort to be open and less secretive. I made an effort to talk about what I was doing or where I was going; it was a small step. I didnīt suddenly become mega-friendly or anything.
Talking to my partner
Four years ago, I met my partner and he has been a big help. Heīs very interested in whatīs going on; heīs a very sympathetic person; very non-judgemental and so Iīve told him a lot more things than Iīve told anyone else.
Acceptance
I know Iīve got one person I can talk to about absolutely anything, without being embarrassed that it is going to make me look bad or be humiliating. Talking to him made a really big difference. I never thought that telling anyone would be such a big deal.
Going to tutor with problems
On this current course, there was an assignment where I had more or less done the work but I didnīt feel it was as good as it should be, because there had been some issues at home Iīd been dealing with, and I needed a few more days. I went to my tutor and told her and she was incredibly sympathetic and told me of course I could have more time.
Finding out about other support
I also found out from her that there are all these networks out there offering help and support. So from talking to my tutor, who it turned out had been through something similar with a member of her family, she told me about some charities that help families going through this.
Learning to ask for help
I felt so relieved and I thought why on earth didnīt I tell her at the beginning? It was all very helpful - suddenly all these services were available that I could have accessed a long time ago and saved myself a lot of worry, if Iīd gone to her sooner.
Challenging faįade
Iīd put on a faįade of everything being fine, wanting to seem very respectable and as though everything in my life was just ticking along. I should have realised by now that it is always better to talk to people about these things. My boyfriend is very good at encouraging me to do it.
Actively managing myself
My depression is definitely a lot better than it was, I think because I am managing myself a lot better. I try to consciously avoid situations where I may behave in a self destructive way and possibly get myself in trouble.
Better planning
Before I left everything to the last minute and then it would snowball, whereas now I have a planner so I know whatīs happening month to month. It probably sounds really basic to most people but before I was losing track of time and didnīt know when things were due in. When I organise my time better I feel more on top of things.
Managing anxiety better
When I got anxious about my work this time I coped with it a lot better because I recognised what was going on and I told myself to calm down. I spoke to my boyfriend about it, and in the end to my tutor, and she understood and I felt a lot better and more relieved.
Working on self-pressure
I still feel I have to do really well. But if I put as much time into the work as worrying about the work, I think Iīd be better off.
Actively challenging detachment
When I started this MA I knew I had to make myself not be so detached. I made the effort to get involved more - go out to events with people or to a museum - whereas my gut instinct would be NOT to go.
Upward spiral
I made myself do it and the more I did it, the more I found I was enjoying doing those things and then I felt happier being part of a group and doing group activities. It felt quite nice to be involved in that, whereas before I felt uncomfortable.
Keeping active
Now I make a point of making sure I do things, whether it is with other people or by myself. I schedule a few things each week.
Reconnecting with old friends
I also joined Facebook and through that met up with a bunch of friends I used to know years ago. It was good to reconnect with people after so long and get to see them and that made me feel quite good. I am more connected to people now than I was before. Thatīs coming along quite well.
Making new connections
Joining the gay and lesbian group at college and making friends there has also been helpful.
Being more reflective
I am managing things a lot better and also I am more reflective now that I am a bit older. My depression is a lot less severe, and although I think Iīve got better over time I do still have that detached feeling and I want to keep trying to be conscious of it and working on combating it.
Blogging
I have a tendency not to look at my feelings, so I am hoping that blogging will be a good way to keep a record of my feelings and development and help me monitor and analyse things.
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Wish I had changed things sooner
I ended up thinking I had to get the BSc because Iīd spent so much time building up towards some kind of scientific degree whereas looking back now, to have walked away near the beginning when I realised how much I hated it, would have saved me all those years of being in a situation I really didnīt like.
Walk away if you know itīs not right
I would say to someone in the first year, if you really hate your subject, it is better to really think hard about whether itīs best to continue. Maybe you are much better off walking away, taking time out, but not doing something because you feel you are being forced to do it.
Itīs okay not to feel part of a group
I hope my story can show other students that not everyone at college feels like part of the group, and thatīs normal.
Taking small steps can help a lot
Taking small steps can make you feel a lot better - a lot of the problems I have are managed by me just being aware of them.
There is a lot of support available
I realise now that there are lots of people at college who can offer support- for example I feel behind with my projects and waited until the last second to tell anyone- in the end they were really supportive and I wish I had asked for help earlier.
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